As of late, I have learned so much truth from personal experience and from the Word of God. Sometimes we can read things, but not truly understand it until we have had to take it and apply it to our very own lives. For the past several weeks, I have undergone a sudden and yet serious bout with depression. This is not my first rodeo with depression. When Jesus Christ saved me, He pulled me out of the pit of hell and out of a deep depression that almost ended my very life. I remember the night that Jesus reached down and saved me, I was in my shower crying and yelling “I want to die. Please kill me! I just want to die!” For I was convinced that death was less painful than being alive.
After Jesus set me free, I thought that I was done with
depression forever. Until recently that is… and now my eyes have become further
opened to the truth. It has become apparent again that the devil always knows
our weakest points and our areas of vulnerability. A month or so ago, I
accepted an invitation to travel into further intimacy with Jesus Christ. It
took a while before I finally saw what God was asking of me, and before I said
yes to Him. Upon accepting His
invitation, the enemy has been out to do everything he can to stop this
progress.
You see, God has been showing me all of the walls built up in
my own heart that keeps me from coming out into the open, where the light
shines. Places in my heart that were hurt long ago, that the Accuser comes back
to over and over and over again and says, “You can’t do that.” “You’re not
worth anything.” “You just can’t do that.”
And I have believed all of these lies. These lies that keep me feeling
ashamed and in the dark, afraid to show people who I really am. Lies of
rejection; shame; failure.
As my wonderful friend Emilee says, “You go to a new level, there is
a new devil.” The enemy sees how God is setting me free from the lies
that he has had me believing for so long, and how Jesus is once again revealing
my true identity in Him. The enemy’s tactic has been to come at me with
spiritual oppression. I suddenly became extremely fatigued: spiritually,
emotionally, and physically. I have felt as though I am wading through mud-
unable to get anywhere, feeling as though I am stuck. I would begin each day
feeling great, but by the end of the day, the spirit of oppression has hit me
so hard that I go home and feel paralyzed to the world. Everything in my being
says, “I can’t do this. I can’t do
anything right now. I’m unable to move.” I
move further into isolation and loneliness in response to it.
It’s like an extremely heavy cloud sitting right on top of
my head. It feels as though my shoes are made of lead; my garments are heavy and I
can only move like a slug. My response is “I need sleep.” Yet sleep seems to
bring no help. It wasn’t until this past Sunday when I was broken, completely
broken, and crying to every person in my path…That I just began letting out my
feelings of worthlessness, of feeling so unloved, and for how ashamed I feel
because I have no idea who I am.
Luckily, my family and some friends listened with open
hearts. Bringing it to the light and exposing it for it was, allowed my dear
friend to help me by pointing out that these were in fact signs of depression.
It had not even dawned on me until that moment, that yes, these were familiar
feelings from the past. Except this time, I know Who to call on. I
know Who has my back. I know Who is there with me to fight any and all things.
I know Who has equipped me for this spiritual battle: His name is Greater than
all names.
My friend also says, “Bringing this to the Light causes it
to lose its power.” And this has been so true for me. Seeing how the enemy was
wreaking havoc on me, she gave me a list of truths from the Word of God that
show exactly how God feels about us. Taking her advice, I have put the list in
front of me every day so that I can read and know that this is how GOD sees me.
1. He has loved me with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:)
2.
His thoughts toward me are as countless as all the grains of sand. (Psalm 139: 17-18)
3.
His plans have always been to give me a hope and
a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)
4.
He desires to establish me with all His heart
and soul. (Jeremiah 32:41)
5.
He knows everything about me. (Psalm 139:1)
6.
He knit me together in my mothers womb. (Psalm 139:13)
7.
He chose the day and time I would be born, and he determined where I would live. (Acts 17:26)
8.
I am not a mistake; for all my days are written
in His book. (Psalm 139: 15-16)
9.
His desire is to lavish His love on me (1 John
3:1)
10.
Simply because I am His child and He is my
Father. (1 John 3:1)
11.
He offers me more than my earthly Father ever
could (Matthew 7:11)
12.
Because He is the perfect father. (Matthew 5:48)
13.
He rejoices over me with singing (Zephaniah
3:17)
14.
He will never stop doing good to me. (Jeremiah
32:40)
15.
For am I His treasured possession (Exodus 19:5)
The list goes on and on. Keeping this list before me has
helped me to see the truth for myself, and to stand upon it. For this week, the enemy has come every
afternoon to bring his oppression. However, I have learned to stand on these
truths and give them right back to the enemy.
I have learned why Ephesians 6 is so vital to our spiritual
walk. First we have to be aware of the enemy’s tactics. Secondly, we need to
know how to put on that armor. And we must remember that God is fighting for
us, but that we must stand on His truths. We must RESIST, RESIST, RESIST that
enemy. We must do what Jesus did in the desert when Satan came to tempt, feed
the Word of God back to Him and put it in his face!!!!
Satan has already seen how this all ends, and he doesn’t
like the outcome. He will continue in his way of killing, stealing, and
destroying. He may win some battles, but he isn’t going to win the war. It’s
finished; It’s done; the Victory is Won!
But we have to stand firmly planted in this Truth, so that when the
enemy comes to make us doubt, we know exactly where we stand with God. We are
Redeemed; We are Chosen; We are Promised; We are Cleansed.
My biggest struggle with depression is the times when I look
into the mirror and feel as if I don’t see anyone there. Or I don’t know who it
is that I am looking at. I feel as though I can’t see ME. Then I realize that
Satan has placed a barrier between me and God. I can’t see myself because I don’t
really see God. I don’t really see how God sees me. I don’t really see who God
is because of the lies that I have believed about myself and about Him. God says I am accepted: exactly as I am. God
says I am a Daughter of His. God says that I am beautiful and holy and precious
in His sight!
I was upon my knees yesterday evening, crying out to my God
to help me, to rescue me from this depression, to give me the strength to get
up. I cried out for Him and repeated his truths about me over and over again. I
prayed through Ephesians 6 over and over. The cloud LEFT and I got up. I had my
strength back. The enemy was so close to getting me to call off the plans I had
made, because I had no strength. God made the strength to return to me, and I
did not cancel our plans.
Part of this journey into intimacy with Christ has been catapulted
through a study by Tammie Head called, “Duty or Delight?” I knew God had called
me to do this study for myself and to share it with others, which has included
a few coworkers. For He has begun to drawn out my confidence and made me step
out of my comfort zone by leading this study. Last night, after the battle was
raged on my spiritual health, God did something incredible. After having stood my ground in the battle, one of these young
ladies brought a friend to this study last night… and she had an appointment with
God. Only moments before I had considered calling it all off and quitting; I
certainly felt defeated.
She came not knowing what was going to happen, but God was
drawing her; this was evident in her honesty and in her seeking. She knew she
wasn’t saved, but knew that she wanted to be. I am just amazed at how Jesus
made all of this come to be, and how evident it was that Satan was fuming mad.
His solution was to disengage me from the world and to make me feel defeated.
But “I’ve got the victory, the sweet, sweet victory in
Jesus!” Now I know that when these attacks come, that Satan is threatened. It is guaranteed that he will come back. The
word “accuses” is a present participle that means over and over again- Satan
constantly accuses us! He will be back, and my response will be to fight
through the mud: realizing that God has great and mighty plans. But I’m
required to stand and fight. God has given me a voice, and I’m going to use it
for the first time. As God continues to kiss me awake, to make me see my own
beauty, He continues to allow me to share that same gift with others. You are
beautiful! You are Redeemed! You are FREE!
