From Ashes to Beauty: Choosing to Be Visible Again

After a four-year hiatus, I recently took a step of faith back into the dating world.  During my four years of singleness, God has allured me into the wilderness and spoken tenderly to me (Hosea 2:4). He has whispered my worth and value in His eyes, and He has faithfully revealed broken places in my heart in need of His restoration. It’s been a valuable time of learning who God is and I who I am in Him. It’s been a time that could never be replaced or substituted for anything or anyone else.  

But recently, I've felt God calling me out into a new season. So far, it looks like a season of learning to trust and live from my heart once again, which includes being willing to share who I am with others and being open to a Christ-centered relationship. To step out into this journey, I took two small steps: I accepted a suggested date from a friend, and I also joined in on one of the co-ed fellowship small groups of my church. 

As with every new adventure, I was excited and thrilled to be at this place. I thanked the Lord for healing me to the point that I felt ready to share my heart with another person once again, except this time from the beautiful place of knowing my identity in Christ. I could visibly see the confidence and hope that the Lord has instilled in me while learning to trust and lean on Him these past several years.

 

During the first night of our co-ed small group, an attractive man sat next to me. Initially, I was enjoying myself and felt no pressure. After talking for a few minutes, I could see that he was a seasoned man of God, a mature person in his faith. Quickly, I became distressed internally. What had previously just been a fun moment of enjoying myself in conversation and those around me became a moment of panic and dread within.  What in the world was going on?

Suddenly, my heart was shutting down and I had stopped being the responsive, lively person that I was just moments ago. All I could do for the remainder of my time around him was simply try not to look too uncomfortable. Before I even had time to realize what had happened, that message of rejection was confirmed when this handsome stranger found someone more confident and interesting to speak with instead. The attacking thoughts of my enemy assailed me on every side, bombarding my mind with vicious lies.

I shouted/cried to God on my way home that night. “But I’ve made so much progress! Why am I still struggling with these issues? It shouldn’t hurt like this anymore… I am confident in my identity in You!”

Suddenly, I feel as though I am reliving childhood days and the familiar voice of my enemy’s condemnation attacks me to convince me: You haven’t made any progress. You’re not mature in your faith. Look at you: you’re still struggling with this and you always will. What kind of woman are you? You can’t even be vulnerable enough to show who you really are to people. And then briefly I believe his lie:  I will never be able to enjoy the intimacy that God has called me to in relationships, because it’s just not for me. Nobody can love someone who is so broken.

Right after the fall of man, the Lord God is heard walking in the cool of the Garden of Eden. He calls to the man, “Where are you?” The man answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Genesis 3:9).

God brings me back to a place of purposeful remembrance about a past plagued with hiding. Here are a few of the detrimental ways that I have hidden:

 1. I hid my dream.   At six years old, my dream of becoming a writer was crushed when I suffered a deep rejection by an authority figure. That day, without knowing it, I decided to protect my heart from experiencing that kind of pain again. So I laid down my pen and closed my heart to my dream; and a part of my heart died. I gave up my dream of myself, even at six years of age, and I began to chase a dream of someone else.

2.   I hid behind guys. From the ages of 15 to 21 years old, I constantly held a relationship and felt “naked” without one. Deep down, I didn’t feel I had any value on my own, so I tried to find my value in his eyes.

3.   I hid behind my grades, my college major, and my choice of career. Initially, I wanted to major in English literature because I loved it so much. However, I chose Chemistry and tried to set myself on a medical school track. I chose to hide behind others opinions of me; I chose to feel important, and ultimately to avoid failure in an area where I actually wanted to succeed.

4. I've hidden behind clothes, makeup, and jewelry. All superficial qualities, these items made me feel more beautiful, more valuable, and more "acceptable" to myself. 

Over and over again, I have made choices that kept the real me invisible- because I learned early on in life that the real me was not accepted or wanted in this world.  I learned that it was painful to be the real me and that the real me was not enough.  I was afraid, so I hid.

I agree. I am so broken, and it still hurts. Rejection will always be painful, no matter how “seasoned” I become. But the enemy only ever offers a half-truth so that he can distort it. His lies tell me that I’m broken and that there is no hope for me.  But God says, Yes, I am broken. Yet I am whole.

Can brokenness and wholeness coexist together in the same person at the same time? 

Jesus. If anyone knows anything at all about being broken, it’s Christ Jesus. Christ’s body was broken for my sins (1 Corinthians 11:24). By his wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53:5). 

YES. I am broken, yet my brokenness is hidden in the wholeness of Christ within me. I am complete and lacking nothing in Christ (Colossians 2:10) The place where His broken body and my broken soul meet is the same place where my healing takes place. It’s the place where I identify most assuredly with a Savior who knew every pain I would ever face. He knew every heart ache that this world would cause in my life, and yet his broken body, which hung on a cross for me, is enough for me.

Yes, brokenness and completeness in Christ coexist here. And that's the exact place where beauty begins.

“Dark am I, yet lovely.” (Song of Solomon 1:5)

And here I am. And believe it or not, I must actually be growing from this experience. Because the OLD me would have shut down and it would not come out again. My heart would go into hiding, and cover itself with shame. Under this cloak I would choose to be invisible. Because invisible people cannot be rejected.

But invisible people also cannot be known.  It’s no wonder that one day I had to face all of that hiding, when I realized that I had no idea who I was. All the people that I tried to hide behind-well, they couldn’t tell me who I was either.  God used these things to draw me, and I gave my life to my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Invisible people cannot be rejected. Invisible people cannot be known.

But we have to stop hiding behind other things. Who you are and what you were created to do remains silenced beneath those fig leaves of shame.  Our lives are now hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3).Each of us has something incredibly unique to offer a broken world in need of healing. We were all created to enjoy and know the capacity of real love in friendships and relationships.

So the next time that you step out into something and you meet rejection head-on, just think of this: you may be on the right path. Rejection has to get to you in the beginning to keep you from going any farther. Because if you go on in spite of rejection (in whatever you are called to do), then you just may find something beautiful waiting for you on the other side.

God bless you.

Stephanie Patterson

Fighting for the Victory in Jesus:

As of late, I have learned so much truth from personal experience and from the Word of God. Sometimes we can read things, but not truly understand it until we have had to take it and apply it to our very own lives. For the past several weeks, I have undergone a sudden and yet serious bout with depression.  This is not my first rodeo with depression. When Jesus Christ saved me, He pulled me out of the pit of hell and out of a deep depression that almost ended my very life. I remember the night that Jesus reached down and saved me, I was in my shower crying and yelling “I want to die. Please kill me! I just want to die!” For I was convinced that death was less painful than being alive.

After Jesus set me free, I thought that I was done with depression forever. Until recently that is… and now my eyes have become further opened to the truth. It has become apparent again that the devil always knows our weakest points and our areas of vulnerability. A month or so ago, I accepted an invitation to travel into further intimacy with Jesus Christ. It took a while before I finally saw what God was asking of me, and before I said yes to Him.  Upon accepting His invitation, the enemy has been out to do everything he can to stop this progress.

You see, God has been showing me all of the walls built up in my own heart that keeps me from coming out into the open, where the light shines. Places in my heart that were hurt long ago, that the Accuser comes back to over and over and over again and says, “You can’t do that.” “You’re not worth anything.” “You just can’t do that.”   And I have believed all of these lies. These lies that keep me feeling ashamed and in the dark, afraid to show people who I really am. Lies of rejection; shame; failure.

As my wonderful friend Emilee says, “You go to a new level, there is a new devil.” The enemy sees how God is setting me free from the lies that he has had me believing for so long, and how Jesus is once again revealing my true identity in Him. The enemy’s tactic has been to come at me with spiritual oppression. I suddenly became extremely fatigued: spiritually, emotionally, and physically. I have felt as though I am wading through mud- unable to get anywhere, feeling as though I am stuck. I would begin each day feeling great, but by the end of the day, the spirit of oppression has hit me so hard that I go home and feel paralyzed to the world. Everything in my being says, “I can’t do this.  I can’t do anything right now. I’m unable to move.” I move further into isolation and loneliness in response to it.

It’s like an extremely heavy cloud sitting right on top of my head. It feels as though my shoes are made of lead; my garments are heavy and I can only move like a slug. My response is “I need sleep.” Yet sleep seems to bring no help. It wasn’t until this past Sunday when I was broken, completely broken, and crying to every person in my path…That I just began letting out my feelings of worthlessness, of feeling so unloved, and for how ashamed I feel because I have no idea who I am.

Luckily, my family and some friends listened with open hearts. Bringing it to the light and exposing it for it was, allowed my dear friend to help me by pointing out that these were in fact signs of depression. It had not even dawned on me until that moment, that yes, these were familiar feelings from the past. Except this time, I know Who to call on. I know Who has my back. I know Who is there with me to fight any and all things. I know Who has equipped me for this spiritual battle: His name is Greater than all names.

My friend also says, “Bringing this to the Light causes it to lose its power.” And this has been so true for me. Seeing how the enemy was wreaking havoc on me, she gave me a list of truths from the Word of God that show exactly how God feels about us. Taking her advice, I have put the list in front of me every day so that I can read and know that this is how GOD sees me.

      1.   He has loved me with an everlasting love. (Jeremiah 31:)

2.       His thoughts toward me are as countless as all the grains of sand. (Psalm 139: 17-18)

3.       His plans have always been to give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

4.       He desires to establish me with all His heart and soul. (Jeremiah 32:41)

5.       He knows everything about me. (Psalm 139:1)

6.       He knit me together in my mothers womb. (Psalm 139:13)

7.       He chose the day and time I would be born, and he determined where I would live. (Acts 17:26)

8.       I am not a mistake; for all my days are written in His book. (Psalm 139: 15-16)

9.       His desire is to lavish His love on me (1 John 3:1)

10.   Simply because I am His child and He is my Father. (1 John 3:1)

11.   He offers me more than my earthly Father ever could (Matthew 7:11)

12.   Because He is the perfect father. (Matthew 5:48)

13.   He rejoices over me with singing (Zephaniah 3:17)

14.   He will never stop doing good to me. (Jeremiah 32:40)

15.   For am I His treasured possession (Exodus 19:5)

The list goes on and on. Keeping this list before me has helped me to see the truth for myself, and to stand upon it.  For this week, the enemy has come every afternoon to bring his oppression. However, I have learned to stand on these truths and give them right back to the enemy.

I have learned why Ephesians 6 is so vital to our spiritual walk. First we have to be aware of the enemy’s tactics. Secondly, we need to know how to put on that armor. And we must remember that God is fighting for us, but that we must stand on His truths. We must RESIST, RESIST, RESIST that enemy. We must do what Jesus did in the desert when Satan came to tempt, feed the Word of God back to Him and put it in his face!!!!

Satan has already seen how this all ends, and he doesn’t like the outcome. He will continue in his way of killing, stealing, and destroying. He may win some battles, but he isn’t going to win the war. It’s finished; It’s done; the Victory is Won!  But we have to stand firmly planted in this Truth, so that when the enemy comes to make us doubt, we know exactly where we stand with God. We are Redeemed; We are Chosen; We are Promised; We are Cleansed.

My biggest struggle with depression is the times when I look into the mirror and feel as if I don’t see anyone there. Or I don’t know who it is that I am looking at. I feel as though I can’t see ME. Then I realize that Satan has placed a barrier between me and God. I can’t see myself because I don’t really see God. I don’t really see how God sees me. I don’t really see who God is because of the lies that I have believed about myself and about Him.  God says I am accepted: exactly as I am. God says I am a Daughter of His. God says that I am beautiful and holy and precious in His sight!

I was upon my knees yesterday evening, crying out to my God to help me, to rescue me from this depression, to give me the strength to get up. I cried out for Him and repeated his truths about me over and over again. I prayed through Ephesians 6 over and over. The cloud LEFT and I got up. I had my strength back. The enemy was so close to getting me to call off the plans I had made, because I had no strength. God made the strength to return to me, and I did not cancel our plans.

Part of this journey into intimacy with Christ has been catapulted through a study by Tammie Head called, “Duty or Delight?” I knew God had called me to do this study for myself and to share it with others, which has included a few coworkers. For He has begun to drawn out my confidence and made me step out of my comfort zone by leading this study. Last night, after the battle was raged on my spiritual health, God did something incredible. After having stood my ground in the battle, one of these young ladies brought a friend to this study last night…  and she had an appointment with God. Only moments before I had considered calling it all off and quitting; I certainly felt defeated.

She came not knowing what was going to happen, but God was drawing her; this was evident in her honesty and in her seeking. She knew she wasn’t saved, but knew that she wanted to be. I am just amazed at how Jesus made all of this come to be, and how evident it was that Satan was fuming mad. His solution was to disengage me from the world and to make me feel defeated.

But “I’ve got the victory, the sweet, sweet victory in Jesus!” Now I know that when these attacks come, that Satan is threatened.  It is guaranteed that he will come back. The word “accuses” is a present participle that means over and over again- Satan constantly accuses us! He will be back, and my response will be to fight through the mud: realizing that God has great and mighty plans. But I’m required to stand and fight. God has given me a voice, and I’m going to use it for the first time. As God continues to kiss me awake, to make me see my own beauty, He continues to allow me to share that same gift with others. You are beautiful! You are Redeemed! You are FREE!  

Why I'm Starting a Blog

Hi, my name is Stephanie Patterson and I am beginning this blog for several reasons. First of all, I hope to share in my experiences as I continue to journey towards further intimacy in Christ Jesus. Secondly, I hope that my healing process will be an encouragment to others as I continue to gain a voice of my own and come out of hiding.

As someone who has believed for far too long that I have nothing important to say to the world, nothing of value to share, creating this blog is the first step in allowing others to see what is truely in my heart and continuing in the healing process of a heart that has been wounded.  As I have begun to learn recently, each of us has a special song in our heart; something unique and beautiful that God has placed there to reveal something about Himself. Though I have been a believer now for over 2 years, learning who I am in Christ is a journey I've truely just begun.

Hopefully as I share in my journey, you too will learn more about yourself and the amazing plans that the Lord has in store for you!

By His Hands,

Stephanie