From Ashes to Beauty: Choosing to Be Visible Again

After a four-year hiatus, I recently took a step of faith back into the dating world.  During my four years of singleness, God has allured me into the wilderness and spoken tenderly to me (Hosea 2:4). He has whispered my worth and value in His eyes, and He has faithfully revealed broken places in my heart in need of His restoration. It’s been a valuable time of learning who God is and I who I am in Him. It’s been a time that could never be replaced or substituted for anything or anyone else.  

But recently, I've felt God calling me out into a new season. So far, it looks like a season of learning to trust and live from my heart once again, which includes being willing to share who I am with others and being open to a Christ-centered relationship. To step out into this journey, I took two small steps: I accepted a suggested date from a friend, and I also joined in on one of the co-ed fellowship small groups of my church. 

As with every new adventure, I was excited and thrilled to be at this place. I thanked the Lord for healing me to the point that I felt ready to share my heart with another person once again, except this time from the beautiful place of knowing my identity in Christ. I could visibly see the confidence and hope that the Lord has instilled in me while learning to trust and lean on Him these past several years.

 

During the first night of our co-ed small group, an attractive man sat next to me. Initially, I was enjoying myself and felt no pressure. After talking for a few minutes, I could see that he was a seasoned man of God, a mature person in his faith. Quickly, I became distressed internally. What had previously just been a fun moment of enjoying myself in conversation and those around me became a moment of panic and dread within.  What in the world was going on?

Suddenly, my heart was shutting down and I had stopped being the responsive, lively person that I was just moments ago. All I could do for the remainder of my time around him was simply try not to look too uncomfortable. Before I even had time to realize what had happened, that message of rejection was confirmed when this handsome stranger found someone more confident and interesting to speak with instead. The attacking thoughts of my enemy assailed me on every side, bombarding my mind with vicious lies.

I shouted/cried to God on my way home that night. “But I’ve made so much progress! Why am I still struggling with these issues? It shouldn’t hurt like this anymore… I am confident in my identity in You!”

Suddenly, I feel as though I am reliving childhood days and the familiar voice of my enemy’s condemnation attacks me to convince me: You haven’t made any progress. You’re not mature in your faith. Look at you: you’re still struggling with this and you always will. What kind of woman are you? You can’t even be vulnerable enough to show who you really are to people. And then briefly I believe his lie:  I will never be able to enjoy the intimacy that God has called me to in relationships, because it’s just not for me. Nobody can love someone who is so broken.

Right after the fall of man, the Lord God is heard walking in the cool of the Garden of Eden. He calls to the man, “Where are you?” The man answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Genesis 3:9).

God brings me back to a place of purposeful remembrance about a past plagued with hiding. Here are a few of the detrimental ways that I have hidden:

 1. I hid my dream.   At six years old, my dream of becoming a writer was crushed when I suffered a deep rejection by an authority figure. That day, without knowing it, I decided to protect my heart from experiencing that kind of pain again. So I laid down my pen and closed my heart to my dream; and a part of my heart died. I gave up my dream of myself, even at six years of age, and I began to chase a dream of someone else.

2.   I hid behind guys. From the ages of 15 to 21 years old, I constantly held a relationship and felt “naked” without one. Deep down, I didn’t feel I had any value on my own, so I tried to find my value in his eyes.

3.   I hid behind my grades, my college major, and my choice of career. Initially, I wanted to major in English literature because I loved it so much. However, I chose Chemistry and tried to set myself on a medical school track. I chose to hide behind others opinions of me; I chose to feel important, and ultimately to avoid failure in an area where I actually wanted to succeed.

4. I've hidden behind clothes, makeup, and jewelry. All superficial qualities, these items made me feel more beautiful, more valuable, and more "acceptable" to myself. 

Over and over again, I have made choices that kept the real me invisible- because I learned early on in life that the real me was not accepted or wanted in this world.  I learned that it was painful to be the real me and that the real me was not enough.  I was afraid, so I hid.

I agree. I am so broken, and it still hurts. Rejection will always be painful, no matter how “seasoned” I become. But the enemy only ever offers a half-truth so that he can distort it. His lies tell me that I’m broken and that there is no hope for me.  But God says, Yes, I am broken. Yet I am whole.

Can brokenness and wholeness coexist together in the same person at the same time? 

Jesus. If anyone knows anything at all about being broken, it’s Christ Jesus. Christ’s body was broken for my sins (1 Corinthians 11:24). By his wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53:5). 

YES. I am broken, yet my brokenness is hidden in the wholeness of Christ within me. I am complete and lacking nothing in Christ (Colossians 2:10) The place where His broken body and my broken soul meet is the same place where my healing takes place. It’s the place where I identify most assuredly with a Savior who knew every pain I would ever face. He knew every heart ache that this world would cause in my life, and yet his broken body, which hung on a cross for me, is enough for me.

Yes, brokenness and completeness in Christ coexist here. And that's the exact place where beauty begins.

“Dark am I, yet lovely.” (Song of Solomon 1:5)

And here I am. And believe it or not, I must actually be growing from this experience. Because the OLD me would have shut down and it would not come out again. My heart would go into hiding, and cover itself with shame. Under this cloak I would choose to be invisible. Because invisible people cannot be rejected.

But invisible people also cannot be known.  It’s no wonder that one day I had to face all of that hiding, when I realized that I had no idea who I was. All the people that I tried to hide behind-well, they couldn’t tell me who I was either.  God used these things to draw me, and I gave my life to my Savior, Jesus Christ.

Invisible people cannot be rejected. Invisible people cannot be known.

But we have to stop hiding behind other things. Who you are and what you were created to do remains silenced beneath those fig leaves of shame.  Our lives are now hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3).Each of us has something incredibly unique to offer a broken world in need of healing. We were all created to enjoy and know the capacity of real love in friendships and relationships.

So the next time that you step out into something and you meet rejection head-on, just think of this: you may be on the right path. Rejection has to get to you in the beginning to keep you from going any farther. Because if you go on in spite of rejection (in whatever you are called to do), then you just may find something beautiful waiting for you on the other side.

God bless you.

Stephanie Patterson