After a four-year hiatus, I recently took a step of faith
back into the dating world. During my
four years of singleness, God has allured me into the wilderness and spoken
tenderly to me (Hosea 2:4). He has whispered my worth and value in His eyes,
and He has faithfully revealed broken places in my heart in need of His restoration.
It’s been a valuable time of learning who God is and I who I am in Him. It’s
been a time that could never be replaced or substituted for anything or anyone
else.
But recently, I've felt God calling me out into a new
season. So far, it looks like a season of learning to trust and live from my
heart once again, which includes being willing to share who I am with others
and being open to a Christ-centered relationship. To step out into this journey,
I took two small steps: I accepted a suggested date from a friend, and I also joined in on one of the co-ed fellowship small groups of my church.
During the first night of our co-ed small group, an
attractive man sat next to me. Initially, I was enjoying myself and felt no
pressure. After talking for a few minutes, I could see that he was a seasoned
man of God, a mature person in his faith. Quickly, I became distressed
internally. What had previously just been a fun moment of enjoying myself in
conversation and those around me became a moment of panic and dread
within. What in the world was going on?
Suddenly, my heart was shutting down and I had stopped being
the responsive, lively person that I was just moments ago. All I could do for
the remainder of my time around him was simply try not to look too
uncomfortable. Before I even had time to realize what had happened, that
message of rejection was confirmed when this handsome stranger found someone
more confident and interesting to speak with instead. The attacking thoughts of
my enemy assailed me on every side, bombarding my mind with vicious lies.
I shouted/cried to God on my way home that night. “But I’ve
made so much progress! Why am I still struggling with these issues? It
shouldn’t hurt like this anymore… I am confident in my identity in You!”
Suddenly, I feel as though I am reliving childhood days and
the familiar voice of my enemy’s condemnation attacks me to convince me: You
haven’t made any progress. You’re not mature in your faith. Look at you: you’re
still struggling with this and you always will. What kind of woman are you? You
can’t even be vulnerable enough to show who you really are to people. And then
briefly I believe his lie: I will never
be able to enjoy the intimacy that God has called me to in relationships,
because it’s just not for me. Nobody can love someone who is so broken.
Right after the fall of man, the Lord God is heard walking
in the cool of the Garden of Eden. He calls to the man, “Where are you?” The
man answered, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.” (Genesis 3:9).
God brings me back to a place of purposeful remembrance
about a past plagued with hiding. Here are a few of the detrimental ways that I
have hidden:
1. I hid
my dream. At six years old, my dream of
becoming a writer was crushed when I suffered a deep rejection by an authority
figure. That day, without knowing it, I decided to protect my heart from
experiencing that kind of pain again. So I laid down my pen and closed my heart
to my dream; and a part of my heart died. I gave up my dream of myself, even at
six years of age, and I began to chase a dream of someone else.
2. I hid
behind guys. From the ages of 15 to 21 years old, I constantly held a
relationship and felt “naked” without one. Deep down, I didn’t feel I had any
value on my own, so I tried to find my value in his eyes.
3. I hid behind my grades, my college major, and my choice
of career. Initially, I wanted to major in English literature because I loved
it so much. However, I chose Chemistry and tried to set myself on a medical
school track. I chose to hide behind others opinions of me; I chose to feel
important, and ultimately to avoid failure in an area where I actually
wanted to succeed.
4. I've hidden behind clothes, makeup, and jewelry. All superficial qualities, these items made me feel more beautiful, more valuable, and more "acceptable" to myself.
Over and over again, I have made choices that kept the real me invisible- because I learned early on in life that the real me was not accepted or wanted in this world. I learned that it was painful to be the real me and that the real me was not enough. I was afraid, so I hid.
I agree. I am so broken, and it still hurts. Rejection will always be
painful, no matter how “seasoned” I become. But the enemy only ever offers a
half-truth so that he can distort it. His lies tell me that I’m broken and that
there is no hope for me. But God says, Yes, I am broken. Yet I am whole.
Can brokenness and wholeness coexist together in the same person at the
same time?
Jesus. If anyone knows anything at all about being broken, it’s Christ
Jesus. Christ’s body was broken for my sins (1
Corinthians 11:24). By his wounds we are healed (Isaiah 53:5).
Yes, brokenness and completeness in Christ coexist here. And that's the exact place where beauty begins.
“Dark am I,
yet lovely.” (Song
of Solomon 1:5)
And here I am. And believe it or not, I must actually be growing from
this experience. Because the OLD me would have shut down and it would not come
out again. My heart would go into hiding, and cover itself with shame. Under this cloak I would choose to be
invisible. Because invisible people cannot be rejected.
But invisible people also cannot be known. It’s
no wonder that one day I had to face all of that hiding, when I realized that I
had no idea who I was. All the people that I tried to hide behind-well, they
couldn’t tell me who I was either. God
used these things to draw me, and I gave my life to my Savior, Jesus Christ.
Invisible people cannot be
rejected. Invisible people cannot be known.
But we have to stop hiding behind other things. Who you are and what you
were created to do remains silenced beneath those fig leaves of shame. Our lives are now hidden with Christ in God (Colossians
3:3).Each of us has something incredibly unique to offer a broken world in need
of healing. We were all created to enjoy and know the capacity of real love in
friendships and relationships.
So the next time that you step out into something and you meet rejection
head-on, just think of this: you may be on the right path. Rejection has to get
to you in the beginning to keep you from going any farther. Because if you go
on in spite of rejection (in whatever you are called to do), then you just may
find something beautiful waiting for you on the other side.
God bless you.
Stephanie Patterson
